Rule #10 The Less English They Speak, the Better

I've been living in NYC for 7 months. Thus far I've dated an Ohioan, a Greek, an Irishman, an Indian, and currently a Turk.

"Why do you date so many foreign men" my assistant asked me the other day at work.. "Isn't it obvious?" I replied. "Their English is terrible and its fun to laugh at them."

Luckily for everyone, I have kept a lot of emails and texts from my foreign suitors. Recently, I dropped my cell phone in the snow when I was drunk on champagne and some of the texts that the Irishman and the Greek sent me got lost forever. And trust me, they sent me some gems. So that's disappointing, but its ok, because I have many messages from the past. And let me stop you right now. I'm sure you're confused because I'm including Irish in the mix of non-native English speakers. You think they speak English in Ireland? Well obviously you've never spoken to a real Irish person. Try talking to them for 2 minutes without asking them to repeat themselves. It hurts my head. I don't know what language they are speaking, but its not english. Also, alcohol is literally running through them at all times, so that doesn't really improve verbal communication either, does it now?

Here are some of my favorites from over the years:

• "take me to bed last night, happy..."

• "Hello, it is after a long absence. I will go out to play even in this week if good. Is it good at night though it empties. When is good on Sunday on Saturday on Friday on Thursday?

• let's talk...I'm now fitness training..."

• "mmmmmmmm that would b nice snuggle under yr doona an dream huni beach beach mwah u will warm up quickly" ( i cannot type that one without laughing)

• "Good evening. I will go tomorrow if good after having gone for rice I go for a drive, and to look at a night view. I cannot talk on the telephone and am too unpleasant to accept. Of a university was lecturing. Because a call is connected anytime now, contact it again. I look forward to that I can meet."

• "May I take my friend going to the same law school?The meeting which wants to encounter Jordan and Carrie is the stylish, kind man whom I say, and it is noisy, and say whom there was. I will go for a drive together if good. A Request!"

• "wat hapen ? you dont want i cotact you , im sorry if i send you min message"

• "hi coco i miss you" coco???? we never discussed that nickname. i'm pretty sure that's not allowed. and i'm still unsure of where he got it.

• "We will go to picnic in Banpaku Park on May 18th. Many friends will come. I think Banpaku park is the best in Osaka. I will have peaceful, relaxing and fun time. Are you coming?"

• "Thank you for happy time yesterday"

• "Because an examination is over in the week after next, I perform it to drink liquor if, in addition, an examination is over, and let's go to the restaurant.

I kick myself for not saving more, there have been so many. But don't worry, I have no doubt the future will bring more. Seek and ye shall find.

Rule #10 The Less English They Speak, the Better

Rule #9 Always mix business with pleasure

I met the Canadian at a birthday party in December of 2007. I had been living in Japan for 2 months and during this time, the Australian and I were barely just friends. Unbeknownst to me, I was about to begin my path to becoming an international playgirl that very night. Anyways, I planned on going to the birthday dinner to hang out with new friends and make new ones.

The Canadian came to the dinner with a friend. Maybe it was his nice suit. Maybe it was his dark features and blue green eyes. Maybe the lack of decent looking men was lowering my standards. Either way, I noticed his attractiveness. He sat by me at the end of the table and we hit it off. Later I would realize that I was either too distracted by his good looks or too drunk and I failed to notice his complete lack of personality.

At the end of dinner, we exchanged numbers and he went home. I proceeded to go to an all-you-can-drink karaoke room until the wee hours of the morning. Yes, hopefully you've noticed by now, I am a fan of anything that encourages debauchery.

The following 2 months I stayed in contact with him.
After the Aussie left, the Canadian and I began a courtship...It was...how shall I say... oh yeah, fucking retarded. There was obvious mutual attraction, but there were 2 problems. First, he was too shy which made me impatient and frustated, and second of all he had no personality. Seriously. It was very disappointing for my 22 year old self. I so wanted to date an awesome attractive 30 year old that I could brag home about. But the facts were I was funnier, cooler, and awesomener than him.

However, he actually was a nice guy with no ill intentions and he was attractive, so I didnt want to end it immediately. The midwesterner in me forged on. We went out for his 30th birthday and a few other dinner dates. One night I invited him to a dance club, he got wasted and told me how attracted he was to me. So I did the obvious thing and let him grope me in public. We went back to his apartment and I found out that he was leading a double life. Boring and plain during the day and a raunchy sex freak during the night. Not only was he very well endowed (so well in fact, that I admit, I was frightened) he was also an avid fan of dirty talk. (The dirty talk, I would later find out, provided hours of entertainment for me and my close friends. Who would've guessed, the guy actually could make me laugh.) The next morning my 22 year old mind was confused. No personality but amazing sex?? I weighed the lack of personality with the huge penis. I decided I was 22 and a hot commodity. I dropped him like I had dropped my underwear the night before.

A month later I moved to a new apartment and I really wanted to have sex. I tricked him on accident into coming over one night. We had amazing sex against my window. In my head I knew it would be the last time, so I made it count. I never called him again and I think he gave up. He left Japan and went back to Canada. Some months later he returned to Japan and last I heard he had a job and a japanese girlfriend.

2 years later, one unassuming Tuesday morning a few months before I left Japan, I showed up to work feeling extra good about myself. Being the head teacher of the oldest class, I had a slight air of authority about me. I sauntered downstairs to tell my assistant, Tom, something about the day. I found him in the classroom of another teacher. I noticed my co-worker was talking to a strange male--a substitute teacher for the day. My school often has new teachers coming in, so this didn't affect me in the least bit. I proceeded to inform Tom of that day's schedule, when in the middle of my speech, the substitute turned around and in horror I realized it was the canadian! I immediately turned bright red and awkwardly said in an unnaturally high voice "oh. canadian. um hi!." I turned back to Tom who was giving me an odd look and as quickly as I could, stumbled over the rest of my instructions to him before speeding towards the door. Once out of the room, I sprinted upstairs and started hyperventilating. I ran into a fellow teacher's classroom, panickly shut the door behind me, and started sweating. She looked up, saw my face and said "What is wrong??" I told her that there was a Canadian downstairs with a huge penis and that I had slept with him. She burst into laughter. "Oh yes, this will be very fun for me". she said, "and I thought today would be boring". "What??" I screeched, "you have to help me! I'm staying in my room for the rest of the day. I cant come out." "Good luck, " she chuckled. "uggggggh" i grunted out loud.

I stormed out. Back in my classroom, I tried to regain composure. Just as my face started to resume back to its normal pale color, Tom walked in. "You had sex with that guy downstairs, didnt you?" he asked me accusingly. "Whaaat? is it that obvious??? i cried. "For you? Yes." he said. "Shit", I said out loud.Too quickly, the kids began pouring into the classroom, so I had to pretend everything was normal. Oh good morning japanese children, I said as they came in. I'm just your wholesome all-american woman teacher here. Not a whore who's been sleeping around with every foreign man devil in a 100 mile radius. Nothing to worry about.

Luckily, I avoided him all morning, but then came lunchtime. During my lunchbreak, he came into the teacher's break room (obviously god decided not to answer my prayers that morning.) When I saw him open the door, I had to hold in some nervous diarrhea that had been brewing in my stomach since that morning. I have a very sensitive stomach and whenever I feel the slightest bit of nerves, boom! I have diarrhea. So,there I was with my two coworkers, the Canadian, and my clenched buttocks. Sure he was wearing pants, but he and I both knew what he had going on underneath them. "Hi, canadian!, I said trying to be as normal and chatty as possible. "Oh my god. I cant believe you're working here, how random is that. I didn't even know you were back in Japan. How are you?"

Apparently, not only was my stomach experiencing diarrhea, but my mouth was experiencing it as well. "Wait." my indian coworker said stopping me. "you guys know each other?" Secretly I wanted to shove her nann and curry in her face, but instead I smiled and said, " oh yeah, we are friends from way back." I then proceeded to force the rest of my lunch down my throat and tried my best at normal small talk, which surprisingly, I actually did very well. I left lunch feeling proud. "I am so mature", I congrulated myself. i finished the rest of the day like nothing at all had happened. So I slept with that guy, big deal! We're both adults. Especially me. I'm an adult. Well done.

Later in the day, about an hour before work was over, I went downstairs with Tom to get some supplies. I almost passed out when I saw who walked through the door: My co-worker's brother. the Dutch Kiwi, who I had also made out with a few months before.

2 hookups in one day showing up at my work??!!! On a Tueday?!!! I turned white and sank to the floor. "What are you doing?" yelled Tom. "shhhhh shut up!" I said in an angry whisper. At this point he saw who was at the door and had fallen over laughing at my misfortune. "It's probably a good thing you're leaving Japan soon", he said in between laughs. "There aren't any men left." "Seriously", I replied still mortified.

Rule #9 always mix business with pleasure

Rule #8 Always pay attention in Geography Class-Part II

So, let's review:

If you like circumcised men, STAY in america. or go to israel I guess. the rest of the world did not jump on that cutting board.

If you like big penises, move to canada.

If you like huge penises, date black men.

If you like getting fingered, move to japan. they are the best.

If you like it when men go down on you, move to europe.

If you like amazing kisses, go to northern africa. morocco and egypt.

If you like to 69, move to Turkey.

If you like hillbillies move to Australia.

If you like weird sexual fetishes move to England.

If you like mexicans, move to mexico.

If you like strange humor, move to germany or amsterdam.

If you like curry, move to india.

If you like crocks, don't sleep with men. you are a lesbian.

If you like hot men, move to portugal or spain.

If you like my blog, send me money.

I moved to New York City! But I still have many many stories to tell from my abroad adventures. And don't worry, even though I'm in my home country, I can still be an international playgirl. There's many foreigners in NYC....

Rule #6 Once you go black....

This is more of a public service announcement for awareness..


Rule #6 Once you go black, your vagina's broken.

Rule #8 Always pay attention in geography class-Part I

Maybe you're planning a trip abroad. Or maybe you're going to be at some type of international business conference for professionals who do business. Maybe a foreign author is giving a speech at a local college. No matter what the situation, you don't want to be that foolish American who doesn't know where Tonga is. Nor do you want to seem ignorant when it comes to cultural issues. Fortunately, I, always the ardent geography student, am here to assist you. Over the years I have compiled some very useful information for whenever a single lady is thrown into a situation involving foreign men and hard liquor. I want to help American women realize the world of possibilities outside of the US.

Let's start with our neighbors, shall we?

Canada: Ah Canadians. Always the butt of our jokes. My roommate, Tory, is from Canada. We occasionally liked to insult each other via text messaging to get through long train rides or boring work days. Whenever she went too far, I would use my Japanese emoticon photo of an american flag and boom. I automatically won the argument. Being an American will always be superior to being a Canadian. And she knew that. All canadians do. But Canadians aren't as simple-minded as we may think. They're actually quite coy...We think they are just friendly neighbors to the north, who like saying "eh" and hunting moose. But they've been keeping a HUGE secret. Literally. The men have huge penises. So your boss sends you to Toronto for a business trip? Don't be pissed! Get pissed and look on the bright side. It's Canada! Go find yourself a big-penised man.

Mexico: Yikes. Bear with me while I try to be politically correct with this one. I'm gonna explain this historically, to make me seem like less of a racist. So when the Spanish conquered Mexico, they basically took control and fucked over the native indians of the region. Fast forward hundreds of years later to now, and those descendants of the Spanish are probably still the upper and middle classes while due to suppression the indian descendants are still the ones who are poor. And where do the poor Mexicans go? To America's kitchens and fields. The rich ones (european descent) probably stay in Mexico because they are more well off. As a result, America really only sees the Mexicans who come from Indian descent, mostly short, big bellied with normal sized arms and legs, tanned and capable of only growing thin mustaches. Now, I love Mexicans, but I'm not generally attracted to them. I love dark skinned men, but the mexicans I see usually don't do it for me. When I was in Spain, however, I discovered a new type of Mexican. The ones who come from european descent. Taller with more attractive features. Think Gael Garcia Bernal. They are very suggestive and seductive without the dirty vibe most american -mexicans give. They are good dancers, good kissers, and good at going down on women. God Bless the Mexicans.

Let's try another continent: South America

Brazil: Brazilians are like a mix of white trash and ghetto. The men are usually sexually aggressive and can make you feel violated simply by looking at you. They may have horrible taste in clothes, talk too loudly in public, walk annoyingly in zigzag patterns and start fights in clubs, but generally, they are a very attractive people. In Japan I met a boy who I refereed to as Baby Brazilian. He was probably only 20, but he was so incredibly cute. And he adored me. A good kisser, but a bit grabby.

Columbia: Good dancers, but a shady country. Its best not to get involved. Unless you're into coke. Then by all means find yourself a Columbian.

Venezuela: Charming but sloppy kissers. Not to mention their el presidente isn't too keen for America. It's best to stay away.

And the rest:

England: Pardon my English, but British men are quite pervy. They usually have weird sex fetishes. I've noticed a lot of american women idolize the british accent, but I find it quite annoying. Oh sure, when I was young, I too, romanticized about meeting a british duke, falling in love then living in a posh London apartment. Then I met a British man. They're mediocre at best.

Portugal: hot, Hot, HOT men reside in Portugal! And they all look very different! Some are blonde, some are dark. Overall hot men and good food. I guess that Ronaldo guy has done a good job for boosting Portugal's ratings. But its well deserved. I visited Portugal when Ronaldo was just a tween, so the world had yet to know what kind of hot men reside there. Good kissers, aggressive, but who cares because they're HOT.

Amsterdam: Ah, the Dutch. I quite enjoy them. They are hilariously blunt and often attractive, if you like fair men. They also tend to be quite romantic. While on a drinking binge-I mean sight-seeing weekend in Barcelona, I met an attractive Dutchmen at the old Olympic Port. We hit it off and soon set off to the actual port where he wanted to hold my hands and simply "talk." I was only 20 and still a virgin so I thought this was the most romantic thing in the world. If someone tried to pull that crap on me now, I'd probably punch them in the face. After we talked about ourselves, we tried to sneak onto some boats in the port, but got caught by the guards. After the trespassing incident, we ended up wandering to the beach where we made out and watched the sun rise over Barcelona. very romantic.

Also, the Dutch have an excellent command of the English language. they get jokes and references from movies and tv shows. overall very pleasing.

Spain: I have mixed emotions about spanish men. I adore Spain and Spanish culture. But spanish men are difficult to categorize. First of all, they love mullets. The mulletier the better is their motto. Coming from a background that despises all things hillbilly, this is hard to forgive. Get past the mullets, and they can be VERY very attractive. Studying in Spain, there was a whirlwind of foreign men, so I only kissed one Spanish man and it was unmemorable. One unsuspecting day in Japan, however, my wish came true. I was checking my email after work when I came across a new email from my new friend Katie, with the subject line "6 Spanish Firefighters coming to Osaka to visit!! Who wants to go out!" My head exploded.

Six bomberos! Katie had lived in Spain for a few years and now her Spanish firefighter friend was travelling Asia with 5 of his firefighter buddies. I eagerly replied YES i would be there. Tory said she couldn't believe my dream was coming true and she would do everything in her power to help me conquer one, if not all of the bomberos. This was in the middle of me dating the actual spaniard so I quickly met him that night then ditched him for the 6 real men. I mean he was no bombero. Plus he had some obvious flaws. Luckily for me, I was one of the only 3 blondes the entire night. The other two being Katie and Tory. So once again I was the only available one. And spanish men love blondes. Ah. it was a great night. Viva Espana.

Australia: Australia. Another country glamorized by the US. I love Australians, I really do. But they are hillbillies. I'm serious. They are not uber-cool tanned surf gods and goddesses. Think of the American South and what comes to mind? Men in wife-beaters, chubby women with bleached hair, visible tattoos, beer guzzlers, cars that look like trucks, bbqs with sausages and wonder bread, racists, slow-paced and simple-minded people? Yep, that's not just the southerners, thats also the aussies. When I went to Australia, I thought my plane had gone off course and landed in Kentucky. Replace my Australian friends' accents with southern ones and you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. But luckily for them, their accents are way cooler, so I am able to tolerate them and can actually befriend them and become intimate with them.

Japan: I've had terrible luck with Japanese men. And believe me, I tried to make it work. But I don't want to be completely negative about my country of 3 years. What they lack in penis size and emotional availability, they make up for in fingering. I am completely serious. Fingering is a skill, that many western men have not mastered. Western men seem to believe that jamming their finger in and out of the vagina hole gives women pleasure. It does not. Japanese men know differently. This wonderful little fact isn't well known in the outside world. But on the tiny island of Japan it is widely known. So much that the term "magic fingers" is often used. Ladies, do yourself a favor. Buy a plane ticket to Japan, get drunk at an all-you-can-drink karaoke place, find yourself a decent japanese man, take him to a quiet place and take off your pants. Let his magic fingers do their magic. You're welcome.

Morocco: They tend to quickly fall in love with Western women. In my experience, if a Moroccan man is living abroad, he's probably a spy or working for his government which is exciting. He can more than likely make delicious couscous. And Morocco! How exotic and romantic!! Its easy to get swept away with the idea of dating a Moroccan man. I blame Casa Blanca for all of this. Let's be honest. Today Moroccan men usually have strange body odor. Their fathers are probably polygamists. And getting involved with foreign spies does not seem to bode well with the US government. And after all, do you really want to have 4 mother-in-laws?

Egypt: Watching all those documentaries about ancient Egypt on the Discovery and History channels over the years has given me some type of weird Egyptian fettish. I officially realized it one day when me and my college roommate, Annie, were sitting on our couch, eating raw cookie dough and watching a special on the Pharoah Ramses. We really started to get into the reanactments. You know those scenes with the faded lights and the actors with the sad lives. I love how on history shows, the reenactments always use dim lighting. Like we, the audience, are too stupid to figure out its not real if the lighting was normal.

In between bites of cookie dough, Annie turned to me and said "Dude, Ramses is fucking hot." "Fuck yeah he is", I replied after I finished chugging my beer to wash down the cookie dough. As the show continued, we started to get excited about Ramses. In our minds, he was not a humiliated penniless actor, forced to do a non-speaking part in a history show. He was Ramses. We waited in anticipation for his next scene. "WOW. look at him. I mean really look at him. These men are hot." When the show was over, it was decided. We shared a mutual fetish. Ramses and all Egyptian men everywhere are hot.

When I moved to Japan, I had to set up a bank account. Imagine my delight, when I found out that the only person who spoke English in the bank was from where? EGYPT. We formed a friendship, which later blossomed into a mutual infatuation. It was great, but like the reenactments, make-believe and dimly lit.

Rule #8 Always pay attention in geography class.

Rule #7 Don't date DJs, surfers, models, or drummers.

I know....I know!! If you're like me and you just read that rule, you're saying to yourself, "what the hell? what else is there" Well I don't really know. BUT I'm currently on my sinister quest to find out. I'll be sure to tell you when I find out. But first, let me tell you how I came to create this most depressing of rules.
One night after another failed attempt at dating a foreign man, I wanted to throw in the towel. Yet again I was left feeling lonely and depressed. I didn't understand what was happening (but then again, do I ever really know what's happening?...not really...) Anyways....getting dates was no problem. Practically every weekend I was seeing a new guy. Which of course was exciting, but it had a sort of bittersweet element to it. After so many failed attempts, I would go on a first date with no expectations. Which kind of defeats the purpose of dating... If I wanted to just have hot stranger sex all the time, I would just go to clubs. And not put myself through the emotional and physical torture of preparing for an awkward first date. But honestly, I didn't want just sex, I wanted more. I mean yeah, nobody wants to be tied down in monotonous monogamy, but I at least wanted to prove that I could do it.. I was unable to form serious relationships with the men I dated. It became just too much for my tender heart to take. After all, I am extremely sensitive in all matters of the heart. Well that and I really just wanted to guarantee myself regular un-awkward sex with minimal effort (ie a boyfriend.)


I decided to ask my friend and roommate Toyota for advice. He was a foreign man and in a serious relationship with an American woman.... well not quite American...or a woman...more like my Canadian roommate, Tory.But I asked Toyota all the same. I thought he could shine light on my situation. He was already familiar with with my previous blundered attempts at love, so all I had to do was catch him up on the latest dating disaster and then get his advice. After listening to my weepy woes, he very politely told me that I was more or less dating assholes.
He actually used the term "bad boys", but that term makes me think of a fat zitty teenaged girl holed up in her parents middle class, poorly decorated, family room basement, shoveling chocolate cupcakes and breadsticks down her face while she watches the latest teen vampire movie with her weird drama club friend who has stringy hair and a flat chest. Then when the latest "teen hunk" in the movie has his "bad moment", the chubster says with her vacuous smile "oh yeah i love bad boys." Then the two of them disgustingly giggle together and resolve that one day high school will be over and they will indeed hook their "bad boys". shudder. But I'll forgive Toyota for using the term since he's Japanese and he's still learning native English.
Back to the conversation: Toyota: " You're kinda dating assholes""No waaaay." I slowly replied, letting what he said marinate inside my vodka soaked brain..."naaw...really? errrrrr. weeell...."30 seconds later, I realized it was true. I DID date the assholes. No wonder I couldn't form any type of serious relationship. I always went after the unattainable, the diamonds in the ruff, the holy grails, the Jesuses if you will. And what did I always end up with? the assholes. Oh sure, they look and taste appealing at first, but do not be deceived ladies, they are wreckless with love....and more often than not, they have small penises. double fail.
After Toyota said it, it all made sense...
Let's just review my dating history in chronological order for the year of 2009. (there were also other minor characters in the novel of my love life strewn in there...but these are the main ones...)
First, in a wintry haze in January, the DJ appeared.
Name: Imo-san aka Mr. Potatohead:
Occupation: DJ/skateboarder
Ok, his name probably should've been the first blatant warning sign. His Japanese name literally translated into "Mr. Potato." So he cleverly thought he could be the pun wizard and make his DJ name, Mr. Potatohead. yep, I wanted to be Mrs. Potatohead. DJ. If his name didnt give me a red flag, then his "occupation" definitely should have. But what can I say? I was a young girl, drawn to a tall semi-attractive Japanese man who oozed coolness. I met him one day when I was hanging out my local park. He was skating boarding with some mutual friends, me and Tory noticed he was attractive so we decided to go up and talk with him. The rest is history. I would go to the park, watch him skateboard with his friends as I sat on concrete, drank a beer and giggled to my girlfriend about how cool he was. Then I would go home,listen to the mixed cds he gave me and marvel in the genius of his music.No, this is not an Avril Lavigne video via 1999. This was my life as a 23 year old. depressing? maybe. but it was Asia, and I was at the heighth of my coolness. Long story short, I invited him to my 24th bday party, forced him to make out with me. then met him again for Valentine's Day, made out again. Awkwardly flirted with him at the park for the remainder of February, then he conveniently didn't pay his phone bill and never did. so i stopped going to the park. and we stopped all contact.
Come Springtime when this relationship blossoms:
Name: Seichii aka Sage
Profession: surfer/cardboard box maker
I met Sage at an outdoor hippie electronic music festival. I was drunk and he was on acid. Once again...why did I ignore the blatant warning signs. I'm not sure of the statistics of long-term couples who meet in similiar situations, but I'm pretty sure they can't be in my favor. But at the time, it was magical..especially to him because he was hallucinating. I saw him from afar in a drunken and possibly high state. i think i took a few hits of a joint off some teenaged Japanese gangsters. No really. Yakuza kids. anyways, I spotted him and pounced. He was the epitome of my Japanese type. Long hair in a ponytail (NOT gross on a japanese man) distinct bone structure, effortlessly handsome and he kind of oozed cooliness. I went up to him and probably said something amazingly smart and funny. (Not a drunken slur, I'm sure) Luckily for me, he spoke english. Once again, not really remembering our first encounter, probably another warning sign.
Despite our drug hazes, we actually hit it off. The concert ended and he invited me to hang with his group of friends. Irresponsibly I decided to go off with a bunch of Japanese strangers known to take drugs, despite my inability to speak Japanese and knowledge that I should say no to drugs. I got in a car with him and his friends to go smoke more pot and we actually bonded. We really did. There was a connection. Even this 40-year-old japanese Bob Marley hippie type woman called it. She told us we had something special and we were gonna last. She could just "see it". Well, what a surprise, the hippie woman was wrong. The next week, I had to go to america for a month for my brother's wedding, but we talked on the phone and agreed to hang out when i returned. And we did. We met up again. and again and again. Then I found out he hadn't had sex in a while. which I found irksome. So one night I got him drunk and we had sex. Mission accomplished. We hung out more, I introduced him to awesome things, like The Big Lebowski, and I started to really really like him. Then a holiday week came and he told me he wanted to hang out a lot. I was excited. A few days later, I invited him to come to a beer garden with me and my friends. He replied "No. Sorry." which pissed me off. it was a rude message. but being the non-confrontational woman that I am, I ignored it. I may have messaged him once more after that, but he didn't respond. I was hurt, but more than that I was seriously pissed. It was not fair of him to just stop communicating with me after we developed a relationship. (even if it wasn't that serious, it was still a relationship and we were more than strangers to each other.) So before I officially cut all ties, I sent him one last message that said I know me and him are from different cultures, but what he did to me was rude and he should have at least told me what was going on with him. He wrote me back saying sorry he actually met a girl and is "quite in love with her" and wishes we could be friends. Bullshit was my first response. Second of all I was so irate because japanese men don't understand the word "love" and throw it around like its nothing. Also, part of me felt a little used. Being a foreign woman, I sometimes felt like Japanese men were just dating me for the experience, not because they actually liked me. So after Sage, I swore off japanese men forever....at least I thought I did.
Along comes Autum and in blows:
Name: Kibo aka Key-bone
Profession:Ex-model/unknown
So I had sworn off Japanese men. And things were going quite well. I think I began seeing the Spaniard around this time, but I wasn't tying myself down anymore and I was unsure of my feelings for him, so I continued to be on the prowl. One night, I was at a club and along comes Kibo. He was tall and very very attractive. He definitely caught my eye. Plus he had a cute little side- kick that looked like a Japanese version of those Gotti boys from the famous mafia family...But no, I declared out loud, I dont date Japanese anymore. Yet I could still engage in conversation with them, I mean I'm not a racist. Then I found out he was half-Korean, and being the non-racist that I am, decided this was enough non-japanese to be dateable. he came home with me and we made out. No sex, but it was hot. Then in the morning his little side-kick came over and we went to the park to meet my 5 year old student and his family. Yes, I took my one night stand to a family outing at the park. don't judge me.
then side-kick left and keybone came back home with me. my roommate had awakened from her drunken coma. so Tory, Toyota, Keybone and I all began chatting and realized what great friends the 4 of us could be. Toyota and Keybone reallyhit it off. And I mean really. The left together to go to the grocery store and buy food so they could make us girls dinner....And if I recall there was only one bicycle, so I'm not gonna say they doubled...but... And if I may go off topic for just a moment, I always feel most bad for Toyota when my potential relationships turn dire. A new fun friend is always dangled in front of him and they hit it off really when, the as soon as we break up, Toyota is forced to no longer see his new friend. It's quite cruel of me actually. I get to move on in the quest of life, but Toyota has to put yet another friendship to the grave.
Ok Back to keybone. He stayed ALL DAY. He made dinner with Toyots, acted all cuddly with me, then the 4 us of watched a horror movie together. I know! The workings of an amazing romance. NOT. we played phone tag for about 2 weeks. then he just stopped responding. by this time it was my 3rd failure, so I was getting used to it...even though I really did think he was different. So once more, I swore off all Japanese, half-bloods included.
PS This is not the end of Key-bone. he will make a later appearance, so keep you eye out.

and around Christmas time this little snowflake fell:
Name:Yu/Baby Mohawk
Profession: professional drummer
I swore to myself this one would be different. But I cannot changed the forces of nature. These type of men cannot be tamed.
This one began in a very peculiar setting. i was single-handedly trying to juggle 4 men at one house party. Ok not single-handedly, by roommate was providing much needed assistance. The night before I had found out that the Spaniard had been married the entire time we were seeing each other. Even though I ended with him a few weeks earlier and no longer cared for him, I was still pissed, not only did I date "bad boys" (Toyota's term not mine) but apparently I also had a thing for married men....(this will come up later as well) So yet again, I was at a fragile emotional state and relied on my two bffs to help me out. Tory and vodka. We went out with our new best guy friends Mike the Aussie and Joe the Brit. I was newly obsessed with Mike. COMPLETELY platonically though. And I mean platonically. He reminded me of a comedian, and I often fall platonically in love with my western male friends. My romantic love is only for the dysfunctional ethnic types. As I stated earlier, I was in a fragile state, so Tory decided it would be hilarious if she dared me to kiss Mike, my new platonic obsession. At first I rejected, telling Tory to grow up. But after she dared me twice, I couldn't back down. I refuse to be considered a coward. Well...we kissed and pretty much didn't stop all night. MIke and Joe both came back home with us and I continued making out with Mike all night (no nudity and nothing under the belt!) Breakfast was a tad awkward, but we tried to laugh it off. And Mike and Joe were having a Sunday night get together on their rooftop.
So later that night, me, Tory and Toyota headed to the Banana House (actual name of an actual living establishment in Osaka). It was a small party so we made a few introductions and I tried to settle in acting as though me and Mike had done nothing at all the night before and I was firmly planted in my stance as "platonic friends." Which was still true for me. I wasn't sure about Mike's position that night though, he was acting extra outgoing, so he probably felt proud about something...anyways, I drank on and continued mingling.
In walks Josh. Tory's amazingly handsome co-worker. I have a secret crush on him, although I've only met him once at a train stop. i think tory purposely kept me away from him all those months. Anyways, I casually chatted with him, but was too intimidated by his handsomeness to do anything, so I just admired him from afar. Then in walks Jo, a Japanese man with a cool hairstyle. Hmm he looks interesting from afar. So I called him over, realized up close he wasn't that attractive but he was pretty cool and very high which in turn made him very amusing. We actually hit it off, and I think some flirtation was coming from his side, but I tried to maintain diplomacy as I stole secret glances at Josh, ignored Mike's lewd behavior, and chatted happily with Jo. Somewhere during all this chatter Yu had slinked in. He was a very interesting fellow. Very attractive, carrying a skateboard and sporting an impressive mohawk. Obviously I started talking with him. Though not educationally trained, his English was amazing,. I also found out he was a drummer, 20, and that I was indeed attracted to him. (Of course I was.) I think I casually mentioned something about a party at my house the next weekend and we exchanged numbers. I didnt want to get too excited. I knew how this would turn out.


So I didn't text him. But then he was texting me like an eager beaver. He came to my party, Jo the pothead. And he actually brought me flowers and helped cook for the party. Then we went out to a bar and made out like crazy. The next weekend he came over and we cooked together, then he took me to a friend's bar in the subarbs where he basically showed me off to everyone and then impressed everyone with his drumming talents. At the bar, everyone was telling me how cool I was (not uncommon if you are the only blonde among Asians). And everyone telling me how cool my boyfriend was. Ah, ah, I quickly reminded them, he's not my boyfriend. But then Yu whispered in my ear, yeah i'm more than a friend more like a boyfriend. uuuum ok i thought to myself. Well if I'm destined to date a hot 20 year old drummer than so be it. I was only 4 years his senior and probably 20 pounds heavier but it was all good. Plus his father was an American football coach. how cool was that! my family loved football! This one was sure to get past the 2 month curse. And despite my concerns, Tory insisted that he really was a nice guy and different than the others. ( even she was fooled by his deceivingly native sounding english and adorable mohawk)


Then I went to Australia for Christmas. When I came back I texted Yu because he told me to. But he took forever to respond and when he did it was very vague and unpromising. Dismayed, but by no means heart broken I realized I had been mistaken again. On the bright side, it didn't take me long to get over it, besides I was soon to find out that I had bigger issues with Mike to sort out.

Rule #7 Don't EVER, under any circumstances, no matter how cool or hot they are, date DJs, surfers, models or drummers. Don't do it.