Rule #10 The Less English They Speak, the Better

I've been living in NYC for 7 months. Thus far I've dated an Ohioan, a Greek, an Irishman, an Indian, and currently a Turk.

"Why do you date so many foreign men" my assistant asked me the other day at work.. "Isn't it obvious?" I replied. "Their English is terrible and its fun to laugh at them."

Luckily for everyone, I have kept a lot of emails and texts from my foreign suitors. Recently, I dropped my cell phone in the snow when I was drunk on champagne and some of the texts that the Irishman and the Greek sent me got lost forever. And trust me, they sent me some gems. So that's disappointing, but its ok, because I have many messages from the past. And let me stop you right now. I'm sure you're confused because I'm including Irish in the mix of non-native English speakers. You think they speak English in Ireland? Well obviously you've never spoken to a real Irish person. Try talking to them for 2 minutes without asking them to repeat themselves. It hurts my head. I don't know what language they are speaking, but its not english. Also, alcohol is literally running through them at all times, so that doesn't really improve verbal communication either, does it now?

Here are some of my favorites from over the years:

• "take me to bed last night, happy..."

• "Hello, it is after a long absence. I will go out to play even in this week if good. Is it good at night though it empties. When is good on Sunday on Saturday on Friday on Thursday?

• let's talk...I'm now fitness training..."

• "mmmmmmmm that would b nice snuggle under yr doona an dream huni beach beach mwah u will warm up quickly" ( i cannot type that one without laughing)

• "Good evening. I will go tomorrow if good after having gone for rice I go for a drive, and to look at a night view. I cannot talk on the telephone and am too unpleasant to accept. Of a university was lecturing. Because a call is connected anytime now, contact it again. I look forward to that I can meet."

• "May I take my friend going to the same law school?The meeting which wants to encounter Jordan and Carrie is the stylish, kind man whom I say, and it is noisy, and say whom there was. I will go for a drive together if good. A Request!"

• "wat hapen ? you dont want i cotact you , im sorry if i send you min message"

• "hi coco i miss you" coco???? we never discussed that nickname. i'm pretty sure that's not allowed. and i'm still unsure of where he got it.

• "We will go to picnic in Banpaku Park on May 18th. Many friends will come. I think Banpaku park is the best in Osaka. I will have peaceful, relaxing and fun time. Are you coming?"

• "Thank you for happy time yesterday"

• "Because an examination is over in the week after next, I perform it to drink liquor if, in addition, an examination is over, and let's go to the restaurant.

I kick myself for not saving more, there have been so many. But don't worry, I have no doubt the future will bring more. Seek and ye shall find.

Rule #10 The Less English They Speak, the Better