Rule #3 Always make a Pros and Cons list

It was around the time of my 2nd anniversary of living in Japan, and I had just sworn off dating Japanese men. That very same weekend, I happened to meet a Spaniard. As I post more blogs, you'll get to know me more and understand how I operate. Anything Spanish, I love. Well that and vodka....so now you know. Its not really that complicated. Anyways back to all things spanish, this includes food, music and most of all men. Anyways, I was elated to meet him, an actual Spaniard in Japan! Unlike Japanese men, he was open and honest about his feelings, I immediately knew he liked me and once again I was speaking Spanish, something that I love. After a few dates, however, I noticed things weren't as great as I had hoped they would be. But I didn't want to give up just yet. So one night I was explaining my problem to my roommate and she suggested we make a pros and cons list. And here is that list. *Sidenote: Believe it or not, every one of these things on the list is truthful. I have not imagined any of this up, and I doubt a person could make this up even if they wanted to.

Pros:

1.Spanish, French and Bulgarian with passports from each of said countries

2. Treats me well

3. funny, entertaining

4. honest/straightforward

5. educated (masters, studied at oxford, fluency in 5 languages)

6. wealthy millionaire family..and i dont just mean a few million. hundreds of millions of dollars..

7. sexual charisma

8. genuinely likes me

9. popular, is well-known

10. fun loving

and now for the Cons

1. ex-drug addict

2. ex-convict

3. has a mullet

4. alcoholic

5. exiled from the U.S.

6. possible racist

7. bad family relations

8. obnoxious when drunk

9. unempathetic to strangers

10. unattractive

"wow", said Tory. "I think the list speaks for itself."

"you're exactly right", I said.

I dated him for 2 more months before ending it.

Rule #3 Always make a pros and cons list

Rule #2 Nobody Ever Got Pregnant from a 69

Now let me just repeat, I never intended to become a playgirl. Actually most of my sexual encounters begin as personal quests to become more knowledgeable about the world. I think of my rendezvouses as intercultural experiences that turn me into a more diversely aware woman. Also I get horny when I'm drunk.
One insignificant yet memorable Saturday night, I was drinking with my roommate and wingman, Tory, at our apartment. After we were satisfied with the gross amounts of alcohol we consumed, we headed off to this very hipster European dance club . We met friends, chatted, and danced. Shots and vodka waters were mostly likely involved and then I noticed one handsomely dark foreign looking fellow who happened to be sticking rather close to my group.
"He's attractive" I thought to myself, but I noticed it was strange that he was alone, perhaps a serial killer or some type of weird euro sex pervert. Either way I continued dancing with him and found out he was indeed European, he was from Turkey and he was in Japan on business for the weekend. "How interesting", my drunk mind thought to itself, "I've never met anyone from Turkey before, and an attractive man nonetheless, what an educational experience". The night was quickly turning into morning and people began to disperse so he invited me back to his hotel room. Now of course I accepted. But not with the intentions that you may think. Despite my drunken haze, I wasn't thinking, "I can't wait to go back to this man's room and have dirty hot sex with him!" No, I was honestly thinking, "what are people from Turkey like? this is going to be hilariously interesting." Education is very important to me, even when intoxicated.
So we went back to his hotel, which was conveniently close to the club. At the time, I didn't have internet at my own apartment, so when I walked in and noticed he had a laptop I did the obvious thing and asked if I could check my e-mail. He agreed and I proceeded to chuckle to myself as I used his Turkish keyboard while typing emails to my family and friends who would be more than horrified if they knew that I was drunk and in a strange Turkish man's hotel room typing my monthly update email.
After my emailing was complete, we chatted for a bit on his bed then proceeded into a heavy make-out session. Clothes were removed and penises were erect. Always the cautious and safe American, I, who really wasn't particularly keen that night to be having sex with a stranger asked him if he had a condom, he said no, and I was a little relieved.
"you're right" he said, we can't have sex without a condom." "exactly", I replied. then oh my god before I knew what was happening, he was going down on me. Now I am slightly a novice on the whole cunnilingus phenomenon. I do enjoy it, but I either have to be so drunk that I have no inhibitions or I have to be extremely comfortable with the guy. At this point I was neither. Oh sure I was intoxicated, but on a scale from buzzed to cunnilingus drunk, I was somewhere in the middle. He sensed my shyness and reassured me that he wanted to do it (god bless the europeans) so I let him proceed. Next thing I knew he was going at me from a different direction and before I could wrap my head around the situation, we were in the elusive 69 position.
"Oh my god, what I'm a doing?!! This isn't like me!! and with a turkish man!! holy crap am I mentally mature enough to be doing this? probably not, but just keep going, you can't stop now that would be awkward."
All of these thoughts were running through my head, but then I stopped thinking and realized I was enjoying it. Afterwards, I felt like a new woman. 69 position? check.
I went home a few hours after, I really didn't feel like sleeping in the 69 bed. Then around noon I had to take my computer downtown to the Apple store to get it fixed. As I was leaving Apple, I bumped into my gay friend Gordon. As I was talking to him, guess who walks by?!...yep the turkish man. "Oh!" um hi!" I said awkardly. "hey", he said, how are you?" "I'm ok", I replied, "how are you?" "I'm tired" he said pathetically. I wanted to end this conversation quickly so I said "Right, well see ya later" Then he walked off.
"what was that about?" Gordon asked. "Oh nothing, just the turkish man I 69'd last night."



Rule #2 Nobody Ever Got Pregnant from a 69

Rule #1 Always wear a condom

Within my first few months of living in Japan I started dating an Australian I met through mutual friends. And by dating I mean having sex with him after lots of drinking. One night after his birthday party, we were both particularly drunk and on our way to my apartment to start some birthday romping. On our way we remembered to stop at the convenience store to pick up a pack of condoms. Drunk responsibility at its finest. Keep in mind, this is taking place in Japan. Japan is known for its exquisite sushi, its crazy robots,its lit-up Tokyo and its teeny tiny weenies. Oh, and their condoms are pink. Because nothing turns women on more than a hot pink smoky link coming at you.

Anyways, we got back to my place,had a go and then fell asleep. The next day we ate lunch together and made plans to meet again. After he left, I met some friends and did a little exploring around my neighborhood. Later that night I was preparing to take a shower. I got naked, as I usually do before my shower and began searching my room for a clean towel. "Hmm", I thought to myself, "My vagina feels odd." So I looked between my legs and was horrified at what I saw. "Oh. my. GOD!", I thought, "my vagina is falling out!" My heart dropped to my stomach and I almost passed out. "Oh my god my vagina!!" I almost started crying, I couldn't look again, I was too scared. There I was standing naked on my tatami mats, in a wide leg stance trying not to have an emotional and physical breakdown. Then I took a breath, and thought, "ok this needs more investigation." I'm not a doctor, but surely vaginas can't just fall out. I think there are some tubes that keep it all secure up there. So I decided to touch what I thought was my escaping hoo-ha and was surprised when I couldn't feel anything. My next impulse was to pull. Keep in mind that throughout this whole ordeal I was absolutely horrified, because every woman's treasure is her vajay. I was doubly horrified to discover that what I was pulling out of my vagina was actually a condom, yes. a small pink Japanese condom. The pinkness of the condom had fooled me into believing it was human parts. After I pulled it out, I gasped and gaped at it. "Oh my god" I finally said when reality set in. "oh my GOD, oh MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD" I started pacing around the room. This was in me all day?!? I've got aids, I'm pregnant, I have a yeast infection, and I am a dirty dirty whore. Yes, all of these thoughts went through my head. I immediately grabbed my towel, got in the shower and scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed.
Later that night, I called the Australian boy to tell him my terrible story. His advice "maybe you should go to a doctor and get that checked out." Yeah thanks australian. Maybe YOU should be able to feel whether or not you have a condom on your dick!
In the end, I had my cousin from New York send me an economy size pack of Trojans because never again did I want to have another incident of a small condom slipping off a foreign man's penis into my cave of unknown.


Rule #1 Always wear a condom.

Introduction

Growing up in suburban America I dreamed of leaving. After university I moved to Japan. I was excited because I was going to become a woman of the world, I had ambitions and goals. I would learn Japanese, gain experience and find my career path.

Two years later, I can speak about 5 words of Japanese, I think I may have developed alcoholism, and on average I bitch about living in Japan at least 5 times a day. But all is not lost! I have discovered a secret talent. I am an international sex goddess. Along my journey, I've acquired a lot of useful information about men from all over the globe.

And I must share my research with all those women out there who's vaginas are looking for something more than the average american joe. Yes women, set your sights and ankles high.