Rule #6 Once you go black....
This is more of a public service announcement for awareness..
Rule #6 Once you go black, your vagina's broken.
Rule #6 Once you go black, your vagina's broken.
Rule #7 Don't date DJs, surfers, models, or drummers
I know....I know!! If you're like me and you just read that rule, you're saying to yourself, "what the hell? what else is there" Well I don't really know. BUT I'm currently on my sinister quest to find out. I'll be sure to tell you when I find out. But first, let me tell you how I came to create this most depressing of rules.
One night after another failed attempt at dating a foreign man, I was on the brink of an emotional depression. Yet again I was left feeling lonely and depressed. I didn't understand what was happening. I rarely do, but this was getting to be to much. Getting dates was no problem. Practically every weekend I was seeing a new guy. Which sounds exciting, but after a while it began to feel mundane. After so many failed attempts, I began going on first dates with no expectations. Which actually defeats the purpose of dating... I date because I do want to be in a relationship with someone. If I just wanted to have random sex all the time, I would. I wouldn't put myself through the emotional and physical torture of preparing for an awkward first date. But unfortunately for me, I didn't want just sex, I wanted more. barf. I know. I'm such a typical woman. Looking back on it, I probably didn't want to be tied down in monotonous monogamy, but just wanted to prove that I could do it.. I was unable to form serious relationships with the men I dated. It became just too much for my tender heart to take. And it pissed me off. Uglier and duller girls all around the world were getting boyfriends, why couldn't I do it?? Well that and I really just wanted to guarantee myself regular un-awkward sex with minimal effort (ie a boyfriend.)
I decided to ask my friend and roommate Toyota for advice. He was a foreign man and in a serious relationship with an American woman.... well not quite American...or a woman...it was my Canadian roommate, Tory.But I asked Toyota all the same. I thought he could shine light on my situation. He was already familiar with with my previous blundered attempts at love, so all I had to do was catch him up on the latest dating disaster and then get his advice. After listening to my latest tale of attempted love, he very politely told me that I was more or less dating assholes.
He actually used the term "bad boys", but that term makes me think of a fat zitty teenaged girl holed up in her parents middle class, poorly decorated, family room basement, shoveling chocolate cupcakes and breadsticks down her face while she watches the latest teen vampire movie with her weird drama club friend who has blue hair and a flat chest. They watch bad movies and MTV and drool over the so called "bad boys". But english is not Toyota's first language, so let's forgive him shall we.
Back to the conversation: Toyota: " You're kinda dating assholes""No waaaay." I slowly replied, letting what he said marinate inside my vodka soaked brain..."naaw...really? errrrrr. weeell...."
30 seconds later, I realized it was true. I DID date the assholes. No wonder I couldn't form any type of serious relationship. I always went after the unattainable, the idealized man. And what did I always end up with? the assholes. Oh sure, they look and taste appealing at first, but do not be deceived ladies, they are wreckless with love....and more often than not, they have small penises. double fail.
After Toyota said it, it all made sense...
Let's just review my dating history in chronological order for the year of 2009. (there were also other minor characters in the novel of my love life strewn in there...but these are the main ones...)
First, in a wintry haze in January, the DJ appeared.
Name: Imo-san aka Mr. Potatohead:
Occupation: DJ/skateboarder
Ok, his name probably should've been the first blatant warning sign. His Japanese name literally translated into "Mr. Potato." So he cleverly thought he could be the pun wizard and make his DJ name "Mr. Potatohead". yep, I wanted to be Mrs. Potatohead.
DJ. If his name didnt give me a red flag, then his "occupation" definitely should have. But what can I say? I was a young girl, drawn to a tall semi-attractive Japanese man who oozed coolness. I met him one day when I was hanging out at my local park. He was skate boarding with some mutual friends. Me and Tory noticed he was attractive so we decided to go up and talk with him. The rest is history. I would go to the park, watch him skateboard with his friends as I sat on concrete, drank a beer and giggled to my girlfriend about how cool he was. Then I would go home,listen to the mixed cds he gave me and marvel in the genius of his music.No, this is not an Avril Lavigne video via 1999. This was my life as a 23 year old. depressing? maybe. but it was Asia, and I was at the heighth of my coolness. Long story short, I invited him to my 24th bday party, forced him to make out with me. then met him again for Valentine's Day, made out again. Awkwardly flirted with him at the park for the remainder of February, then he conveniently didn't pay his phone bill and never did. so i stopped going to the park. and we stopped all contact.
Come Springtime when this relationship blossoms:
Name: Seichii aka Sage
Profession: surfer/cardboard box maker
I met Sage at an outdoor hippie electronic music festival. I was drunk and he was on acid. Once again...why did I ignore the blatant warning signs. I'm not sure of the statistics of long-term couples who meet in similiar situations, but I'm pretty sure they can't be in my favor. But at the time, it was magical..especially to him because he was hallucinating. I saw him from afar in a drunken and possibly high state. i think i took a few hits of a joint off some teenaged Japanese gangsters. The serious ones. The Yakuza kids. anyways, I spotted him and pounced. He was the epitome of my Japanese type. Long hair in a ponytail (surprisingly hot on Japanese men) distinct bone structure, effortlessly handsome and he oozed coolness. I went up to him and probably said something amazingly smart and funny. (Not a drunken slur, I'm sure) Luckily for me, he spoke english. Once again, not really remembering our first encounter, not the recipe for everlasting love.
Despite our drug hazes, we actually hit it off. The concert ended and he invited me to hang with his group of friends. Irresponsibly I decided to go off with a bunch of Japanese strangers known to take drugs, despite my inability to speak Japanese and knowledge that I should say no to drugs. I got in a car with him and his friends to go smoke more pot and we actually bonded. We really did. There was a connection. Even this 40-year-old japanese Bob Marley hippie type woman called it. She told us we had something special and we were gonna last. She could just "see it". Well, what a surprise, the hippie woman was wrong. The next week, I had to go to america for a month for my brother's wedding, but we talked on the phone and agreed to hang out when i returned. And we did. We met up again. and again and again. Then I found out he hadn't had sex in a while. which I found irksome. So one night I got him drunk and we had sex. Mission accomplished. We hung out more, I introduced him to awesome things, like The Big Lebowski and myself. I began to really like him. Then a holiday week came and he told me he wanted to hang out a lot. I was excited. A few days later, I invited him to come to a beer garden with me and my friends. He replied "No. Sorry." I was pissed. It was a rude message. But being the non-confrontational woman that I am, I ignored it. I may have messaged him once more after that, but he didn't respond. I was hurt, but more than that I was seriously angry. It was not fair of him to just stop communicating with me after we developed a relationship. (even if it wasn't that serious, it was still a relationship) So before I officially cut all ties, I sent him one last message that said I know me and him are from different cultures, but what he did to me was rude and he should have at least told me what was going on with him. He wrote me back saying sorry he actually met a girl and is "quite in love with her" and wishes we could be friends. Rage was my first response. Second of all I was so irate because japanese men don't understand the word "love" and throw it around like its nothing. Also, part of me felt a little used. Being a foreign woman, I sometimes felt like Japanese men were just dating me for the experience, not because they actually liked me. So after Sage, I swore off japanese men forever....at least I thought I did.
Along comes Autum and in blows:
Name: Kibo aka Key-bone
Profession:Ex-model/unknown
So I had sworn off Japanese men. And things were going quite well. I think I began seeing the Spaniard around this time, but I wasn't tying myself down anymore and I was unsure of my feelings for him, so I continued to be on the prowl. One night, I was at a club and along comes Kibo. He was tall and very very attractive. He definitely caught my eye. Plus he had a cute little side- kick that looked like a Japanese version of those Gotti boys from the famous mafia family...But no, I declared out loud, I dont date Japanese anymore. What did you say? asked the bartender. Shut up I'm talking to myself, I replied. Then I put down my vodka watered and decided that I could still engage in conversation with him, I mean I'm not a racist. Then I found out he was half-Korean, and being the non-racist that I am, decided this was enough non-japanese to be dateable. he came home with me and we made out. No sex, but it was hot. In the morning his little side-kick came over and we went to the park to meet my 5 year old student and his family.
Yes, I took my one night stand to a family outing at the park with my students. don't judge me.
then side-kick left and keybone came back home with me. my roommate had awakened from her drunken coma. so Tory, Toyota, Keybone and I all began chatting and realized what great friends the 4 of us could be. Toyota and Keybone really hit it off. And I mean really. They left together to go to the grocery store so they could make us girls dinner....And if I recall there was only one bicycle, so I'm not gonna say they doubled...but...
Ok Back to keybone. He stayed ALL DAY. He made dinner with Toyots, acted all cuddly with me, then the 4 us of watched a horror movie together. I know! The workings of an amazing romance. NOT. we played phone tag for about 2 weeks. then he just stopped responding. by this time it was my 3rd failure, so I was getting used to it...even though I really did think he was different. So once more, I swore off all Japanese, half-bloods included.
PS This is not the end of Key-bone. he will make a later appearance, so keep you eye out.
and around Christmas time this little snowflake fell:
Name:Yu/Baby Mohawk
Profession: professional drummer
I swore to myself this one would be different. But I cannot changed the forces of nature. These type of men cannot be tamed.
This one began in a very peculiar setting. i was single-handedly trying to juggle 4 men at one house party. Ok not single-handedly, my roommate was providing much needed assistance. The night before I had found out that the Spaniard had been married the entire time we were seeing each other. Even though I ended with him a few weeks earlier and no longer cared for him, I was still pissed, not only did I date "bad boys" (Toyota's term not mine) but apparently I also had a thing for married men....(this will come up later as well) So yet again, I was at a fragile emotional state and relied on my two bffs to help me out. Tory and vodka. We went out with our new best guy friends Mike and Joe. I was newly obsessed with Mike. COMPLETELY platonically though. He reminded me of a comedian, and I often fall platonically in love with my western male friends. My romantic love is reserved only for the dysfunctional ethnic types. As I stated earlier, I was in a fragile state, so Tory decided it would be hilarious if she dared me to kiss Mike, my new platonic obsession. At first I rejected, telling Tory to grow up. But after she dared me twice, I couldn't back down. I refuse to be considered a coward. Well...we kissed and pretty much didn't stop all night. MIke and Joe both came back home with us and I continued making out with Mike all night (no nudity and nothing under the belt!) Breakfast was a tad awkward, but we tried to laugh it off. And Mike and Joe were having a Sunday night get together on their rooftop.
So later that night, me, Tory and Toyota headed to the Banana House (actual name of an actual living establishment in Osaka). It was a small party so we made a few introductions and I tried to settle in acting as though me and Mike had done nothing at all the night before and I was firmly planted in my stance as "platonic friends." Which was still true for me. I wasn't sure about Mike's position that night though, he was acting extra outgoing, so he probably felt proud about something...anyways, I drank on and continued mingling.
In walks Josh. Tory's amazingly handsome co-worker. I have a secret crush on him, although I've only met him once at a train stop. i think tory purposely kept me away from him all those months. Anyways, I casually chatted with him, but was too intimidated by his handsomeness to do anything, so I just admired him from afar. Then in walks Jo, a Japanese man with a cool hairstyle. He looked interesting, so I called him over, realized up close he wasn't that attractive but he was pretty cool and very high which in turn made him very amusing. We actually hit it off, and I think some flirtation was coming from his side, but I tried to maintain diplomacy as I stole secret glances at Josh, ignored Mike's lewd behavior, and chatted happily with Jo. Somewhere during all this chatter Yu had come in. He was a very interesting fellow. Very attractive, carrying a skateboard and sporting an impressive mohawk. Obviously I started talking with him. Though not educationally trained, his English was practically flawless. I also found out he was a drummer, 20, and that I was indeed attracted to him. (Of course I was.) I think I casually mentioned something about a party at my house the next weekend and we exchanged numbers. I didnt want to get too excited. I knew how this would turn out.
So I didn't text him. But then he was texting me like an eager beaver. He came to my party. And he actually brought me flowers and helped cook for the party. Then we went out to a bar and made out like crazy. The next weekend he came over and we cooked together, then he took me to a friend's bar in the subarbs where he basically showed me off to everyone and then impressed everyone with his drumming talents. At the bar, everyone was telling me how cool I was (not uncommon if you are the only blonde among Asians). And everyone telling me how cool my boyfriend was. Ah, ah, I quickly reminded them, he's not my boyfriend. But then Yu whispered in my ear, yeah i'm more than a friend more like a boyfriend. uuuum ok i thought to myself. Well if I'm destined to date a hot 20 year old drummer than so be it. I was only 4 years his senior and probably 20 pounds heavier but it was all good. Plus his father was an American football coach. how cool was that! my family loved football! This one was sure to get past the 2 month curse. And despite my concerns, Tory insisted that he really was a nice guy and different than the others. ( even she was fooled by his deceivingly native sounding english and adorable mohawk)
Then I went to Australia for Christmas. When I came back I texted Yu because he told me to. But he took forever to respond and when he did it was very vague and unpromising. Dismayed, but by no means heart broken I realized I had been mistaken again. On the bright side, it didn't take me long to get over it, and at this point I realized I had much bigger dreams and penises to meet.
Rule #7 Don't EVER, under any circumstances, no matter how cool or hot they are, date DJs, surfers, models or drummers. Don't do it.
I decided to ask my friend and roommate Toyota for advice. He was a foreign man and in a serious relationship with an American woman.... well not quite American...or a woman...it was my Canadian roommate, Tory.But I asked Toyota all the same. I thought he could shine light on my situation. He was already familiar with with my previous blundered attempts at love, so all I had to do was catch him up on the latest dating disaster and then get his advice. After listening to my latest tale of attempted love, he very politely told me that I was more or less dating assholes.
He actually used the term "bad boys", but that term makes me think of a fat zitty teenaged girl holed up in her parents middle class, poorly decorated, family room basement, shoveling chocolate cupcakes and breadsticks down her face while she watches the latest teen vampire movie with her weird drama club friend who has blue hair and a flat chest. They watch bad movies and MTV and drool over the so called "bad boys". But english is not Toyota's first language, so let's forgive him shall we.
Back to the conversation: Toyota: " You're kinda dating assholes""No waaaay." I slowly replied, letting what he said marinate inside my vodka soaked brain..."naaw...really? errrrrr. weeell...."
30 seconds later, I realized it was true. I DID date the assholes. No wonder I couldn't form any type of serious relationship. I always went after the unattainable, the idealized man. And what did I always end up with? the assholes. Oh sure, they look and taste appealing at first, but do not be deceived ladies, they are wreckless with love....and more often than not, they have small penises. double fail.
After Toyota said it, it all made sense...
Let's just review my dating history in chronological order for the year of 2009. (there were also other minor characters in the novel of my love life strewn in there...but these are the main ones...)
First, in a wintry haze in January, the DJ appeared.
Name: Imo-san aka Mr. Potatohead:
Occupation: DJ/skateboarder
Ok, his name probably should've been the first blatant warning sign. His Japanese name literally translated into "Mr. Potato." So he cleverly thought he could be the pun wizard and make his DJ name "Mr. Potatohead". yep, I wanted to be Mrs. Potatohead.
DJ. If his name didnt give me a red flag, then his "occupation" definitely should have. But what can I say? I was a young girl, drawn to a tall semi-attractive Japanese man who oozed coolness. I met him one day when I was hanging out at my local park. He was skate boarding with some mutual friends. Me and Tory noticed he was attractive so we decided to go up and talk with him. The rest is history. I would go to the park, watch him skateboard with his friends as I sat on concrete, drank a beer and giggled to my girlfriend about how cool he was. Then I would go home,listen to the mixed cds he gave me and marvel in the genius of his music.No, this is not an Avril Lavigne video via 1999. This was my life as a 23 year old. depressing? maybe. but it was Asia, and I was at the heighth of my coolness. Long story short, I invited him to my 24th bday party, forced him to make out with me. then met him again for Valentine's Day, made out again. Awkwardly flirted with him at the park for the remainder of February, then he conveniently didn't pay his phone bill and never did. so i stopped going to the park. and we stopped all contact.
Come Springtime when this relationship blossoms:
Name: Seichii aka Sage
Profession: surfer/cardboard box maker
I met Sage at an outdoor hippie electronic music festival. I was drunk and he was on acid. Once again...why did I ignore the blatant warning signs. I'm not sure of the statistics of long-term couples who meet in similiar situations, but I'm pretty sure they can't be in my favor. But at the time, it was magical..especially to him because he was hallucinating. I saw him from afar in a drunken and possibly high state. i think i took a few hits of a joint off some teenaged Japanese gangsters. The serious ones. The Yakuza kids. anyways, I spotted him and pounced. He was the epitome of my Japanese type. Long hair in a ponytail (surprisingly hot on Japanese men) distinct bone structure, effortlessly handsome and he oozed coolness. I went up to him and probably said something amazingly smart and funny. (Not a drunken slur, I'm sure) Luckily for me, he spoke english. Once again, not really remembering our first encounter, not the recipe for everlasting love.
Despite our drug hazes, we actually hit it off. The concert ended and he invited me to hang with his group of friends. Irresponsibly I decided to go off with a bunch of Japanese strangers known to take drugs, despite my inability to speak Japanese and knowledge that I should say no to drugs. I got in a car with him and his friends to go smoke more pot and we actually bonded. We really did. There was a connection. Even this 40-year-old japanese Bob Marley hippie type woman called it. She told us we had something special and we were gonna last. She could just "see it". Well, what a surprise, the hippie woman was wrong. The next week, I had to go to america for a month for my brother's wedding, but we talked on the phone and agreed to hang out when i returned. And we did. We met up again. and again and again. Then I found out he hadn't had sex in a while. which I found irksome. So one night I got him drunk and we had sex. Mission accomplished. We hung out more, I introduced him to awesome things, like The Big Lebowski and myself. I began to really like him. Then a holiday week came and he told me he wanted to hang out a lot. I was excited. A few days later, I invited him to come to a beer garden with me and my friends. He replied "No. Sorry." I was pissed. It was a rude message. But being the non-confrontational woman that I am, I ignored it. I may have messaged him once more after that, but he didn't respond. I was hurt, but more than that I was seriously angry. It was not fair of him to just stop communicating with me after we developed a relationship. (even if it wasn't that serious, it was still a relationship) So before I officially cut all ties, I sent him one last message that said I know me and him are from different cultures, but what he did to me was rude and he should have at least told me what was going on with him. He wrote me back saying sorry he actually met a girl and is "quite in love with her" and wishes we could be friends. Rage was my first response. Second of all I was so irate because japanese men don't understand the word "love" and throw it around like its nothing. Also, part of me felt a little used. Being a foreign woman, I sometimes felt like Japanese men were just dating me for the experience, not because they actually liked me. So after Sage, I swore off japanese men forever....at least I thought I did.
Along comes Autum and in blows:
Name: Kibo aka Key-bone
Profession:Ex-model/unknown
So I had sworn off Japanese men. And things were going quite well. I think I began seeing the Spaniard around this time, but I wasn't tying myself down anymore and I was unsure of my feelings for him, so I continued to be on the prowl. One night, I was at a club and along comes Kibo. He was tall and very very attractive. He definitely caught my eye. Plus he had a cute little side- kick that looked like a Japanese version of those Gotti boys from the famous mafia family...But no, I declared out loud, I dont date Japanese anymore. What did you say? asked the bartender. Shut up I'm talking to myself, I replied. Then I put down my vodka watered and decided that I could still engage in conversation with him, I mean I'm not a racist. Then I found out he was half-Korean, and being the non-racist that I am, decided this was enough non-japanese to be dateable. he came home with me and we made out. No sex, but it was hot. In the morning his little side-kick came over and we went to the park to meet my 5 year old student and his family.
Yes, I took my one night stand to a family outing at the park with my students. don't judge me.
then side-kick left and keybone came back home with me. my roommate had awakened from her drunken coma. so Tory, Toyota, Keybone and I all began chatting and realized what great friends the 4 of us could be. Toyota and Keybone really hit it off. And I mean really. They left together to go to the grocery store so they could make us girls dinner....And if I recall there was only one bicycle, so I'm not gonna say they doubled...but...
Ok Back to keybone. He stayed ALL DAY. He made dinner with Toyots, acted all cuddly with me, then the 4 us of watched a horror movie together. I know! The workings of an amazing romance. NOT. we played phone tag for about 2 weeks. then he just stopped responding. by this time it was my 3rd failure, so I was getting used to it...even though I really did think he was different. So once more, I swore off all Japanese, half-bloods included.
PS This is not the end of Key-bone. he will make a later appearance, so keep you eye out.
and around Christmas time this little snowflake fell:
Name:Yu/Baby Mohawk
Profession: professional drummer
I swore to myself this one would be different. But I cannot changed the forces of nature. These type of men cannot be tamed.
This one began in a very peculiar setting. i was single-handedly trying to juggle 4 men at one house party. Ok not single-handedly, my roommate was providing much needed assistance. The night before I had found out that the Spaniard had been married the entire time we were seeing each other. Even though I ended with him a few weeks earlier and no longer cared for him, I was still pissed, not only did I date "bad boys" (Toyota's term not mine) but apparently I also had a thing for married men....(this will come up later as well) So yet again, I was at a fragile emotional state and relied on my two bffs to help me out. Tory and vodka. We went out with our new best guy friends Mike and Joe. I was newly obsessed with Mike. COMPLETELY platonically though. He reminded me of a comedian, and I often fall platonically in love with my western male friends. My romantic love is reserved only for the dysfunctional ethnic types. As I stated earlier, I was in a fragile state, so Tory decided it would be hilarious if she dared me to kiss Mike, my new platonic obsession. At first I rejected, telling Tory to grow up. But after she dared me twice, I couldn't back down. I refuse to be considered a coward. Well...we kissed and pretty much didn't stop all night. MIke and Joe both came back home with us and I continued making out with Mike all night (no nudity and nothing under the belt!) Breakfast was a tad awkward, but we tried to laugh it off. And Mike and Joe were having a Sunday night get together on their rooftop.
So later that night, me, Tory and Toyota headed to the Banana House (actual name of an actual living establishment in Osaka). It was a small party so we made a few introductions and I tried to settle in acting as though me and Mike had done nothing at all the night before and I was firmly planted in my stance as "platonic friends." Which was still true for me. I wasn't sure about Mike's position that night though, he was acting extra outgoing, so he probably felt proud about something...anyways, I drank on and continued mingling.
In walks Josh. Tory's amazingly handsome co-worker. I have a secret crush on him, although I've only met him once at a train stop. i think tory purposely kept me away from him all those months. Anyways, I casually chatted with him, but was too intimidated by his handsomeness to do anything, so I just admired him from afar. Then in walks Jo, a Japanese man with a cool hairstyle. He looked interesting, so I called him over, realized up close he wasn't that attractive but he was pretty cool and very high which in turn made him very amusing. We actually hit it off, and I think some flirtation was coming from his side, but I tried to maintain diplomacy as I stole secret glances at Josh, ignored Mike's lewd behavior, and chatted happily with Jo. Somewhere during all this chatter Yu had come in. He was a very interesting fellow. Very attractive, carrying a skateboard and sporting an impressive mohawk. Obviously I started talking with him. Though not educationally trained, his English was practically flawless. I also found out he was a drummer, 20, and that I was indeed attracted to him. (Of course I was.) I think I casually mentioned something about a party at my house the next weekend and we exchanged numbers. I didnt want to get too excited. I knew how this would turn out.
So I didn't text him. But then he was texting me like an eager beaver. He came to my party. And he actually brought me flowers and helped cook for the party. Then we went out to a bar and made out like crazy. The next weekend he came over and we cooked together, then he took me to a friend's bar in the subarbs where he basically showed me off to everyone and then impressed everyone with his drumming talents. At the bar, everyone was telling me how cool I was (not uncommon if you are the only blonde among Asians). And everyone telling me how cool my boyfriend was. Ah, ah, I quickly reminded them, he's not my boyfriend. But then Yu whispered in my ear, yeah i'm more than a friend more like a boyfriend. uuuum ok i thought to myself. Well if I'm destined to date a hot 20 year old drummer than so be it. I was only 4 years his senior and probably 20 pounds heavier but it was all good. Plus his father was an American football coach. how cool was that! my family loved football! This one was sure to get past the 2 month curse. And despite my concerns, Tory insisted that he really was a nice guy and different than the others. ( even she was fooled by his deceivingly native sounding english and adorable mohawk)
Then I went to Australia for Christmas. When I came back I texted Yu because he told me to. But he took forever to respond and when he did it was very vague and unpromising. Dismayed, but by no means heart broken I realized I had been mistaken again. On the bright side, it didn't take me long to get over it, and at this point I realized I had much bigger dreams and penises to meet.
Rule #7 Don't EVER, under any circumstances, no matter how cool or hot they are, date DJs, surfers, models or drummers. Don't do it.
