Rule #4 Don't Drink and Vibrate

If my frequent descriptions to sex as "dirty" haven't clued you in yet, I was raised Catholic. Very Catholic, school and everything. Needless to say, it screwed up my entire view of sex. It also didn't help that I had very catholic parents. And I think we all know that Catholic parents aren't exactly the best at communicating with their children about sex. For example:

Age 11: I knew about sex from older kids at school, but I was still confused at the whole pregnancy thing. So one day, I asked my mom.

Me: Mom, if God gives women babies, why would He give babies to women who don't want them or aren't married? like why would he make a teenager pregnant?

Mom: Well...you know about sex, right?

Me: oh.

and at that moment it hit me, it all made sex, i mean sense. that little awkward nudge from my mother made me understand. sex creates babies, not god. something in those men's penises got women pregnant, and I was determined to find out what that was. But not on that day, I was too traumatized after a sex conversation with my own mother, so i did the normal thing. I turned around and left the room. never to speak to my mom about sex again.
slowly over time, however, the real world chipped away at my hard catholic anti-sex shell


age 12: I'm not having sex until I'm married.

age 15:I'm not having sex until I'm in love.

age 17: I'm not having sex until I have a boyfriend.

age 19: I'm not having sex when I'm drunk.

age 20: Am I emotionally mature to have sex? Probably not.

age 21: I'm tipsy, I'm going to pop my cherry with my guy friend who I've been hooking up with all year...and I did.


I am no longer a practicing Catholic, but there are still some parts of Catholicism that I just can't shake. For example, I have problems with authority, I have guilt issues, I've never been able to steal anything in my life and up until recently, I still had weird issues with sex. (Obviously I got over that last issue, I think my blog is proof of that.)
But once I got to Japan and had my sexual revolution I felt more open and comfortable with sex. But there was one thing I still couldn't handle. I couldn't masturbate. I just felt weird. Maybe it was because the phrase "masturbation is a sin and sinners go to hell" was pounded into my head for 12 years. (Thank you Theology class.) I don't know, I just couldn't do it. I wanted to, and I even experimented with it. I tried using my hand a few times, but I just felt awkward so I always had to stop. The other option was a vibrator, but I never had the balls to buy a vibrator. So I made peace with it, I was just not one of the lucky women who could masturbate.

But then "it" happened. My boyfriend in America broke up with me via facebook messaging, I lost it. I was lonely and sad and in a foreign country and I needed something. A vibrator, is what my British friend Maria suggested. I full heartedly agreed.
The next day, me, Maria, my roommate and her boyfriend all went to Osaka's local everything store to get me a vibrator. Why all the people? Why not?! When living overseas, your friends become your family and if you can't buy your first vibrator with your family then who can you buy one with. Back to the Japanese everything store. Literally everything is sold there. Food? check. Designer bags? check. Pillows? check. Speakers? check. Alcohol? check. Party Costumes? check. Sex toys? check. body massagers. ie, vibrators in disguise? DOUBLE CHECK PLUS.
Under the guidance of Maria, I purchased quite a large body massager. The size of it was a little intimidating, but I trusted her. After all, British women are the kinkiest women of alland so their sex guidance is most valued. ( I think all the problems in Dubai with british women are proof enough of their sexscapading antics. need I say more? no.)


As I carried it home, I felt the giddiness of a woman getting ready for her first date. What will I wear during our first encounter? Will I feel romantic feelings or will I want to just be friends?? Exactly like a first date... Well, I got home a little nervous and excited and plugged it in. I laid on my bed and pondered which speed to use, high or low? Low, I thought, just to be safe. AND HOOOOOOOLY SHIT! hallelujah! what an amazing feeling. the low felt so good that I thought I would be adventurous and try the high speed. I could barely handle the vibrations, so as not to put my vagina into shock I switched it back to low. BUT OH MY GOD. This is what my sex life had been missing?!!!! I was thrilled! I called Maria and thanked her for renewing my sex life. I can't believe men haven't been doing this to me! I was in love. And I named him Fernando.
And throughout all the men, Fernando is there. and he never fails...except one night.


One night in the Autum of 2009 I dont remember what happened. But I do remember coming home, alone, at dawn. I was feeling sorry for myself because once again me and my on-again/ off -again ex boyfriend in America were "on-again" but trying to not get too close and I hadn't been dating anyone recently. So I drunkenly got into bed depressed and lonely and thought, I know! Fernando! I turned on the vibrate button and started. Hmm I'm not really in the mood, I thought to myself, plus I was wasted so it was going to take a while. But I thought no! I'll have an orgasm and I'll feel better.....well I was so wasted that I passed out with my vibrator still on.
I woke up 3 hours later with the sun shining on my face and my vibrator's motor so hot and overworked that it burned my vagina. yes. I had burn blisters on my vagina because I drunkenly passed out while using my vibrator...
I avoided sexual activity for the next 2 weeks so I wouldn't have to explain my burn blisters to any man.



# 4 Don't drink and vibrate