Within my first few months of living in Japan I started dating an Australian I met through mutual friends. And by dating I mean having sex with him after lots of drinking. One night after his birthday party, we were both particularly drunk and on our way to my apartment to start some birthday romping. On our way we remembered to stop at the convenience store to pick up a pack of condoms. Drunk responsibility at its finest. Keep in mind, this is taking place in Japan. Japan is known for its exquisite sushi, its crazy robots,its lit-up Tokyo and its teeny tiny weenies. Oh, and their condoms are pink. Because nothing turns women on more than a hot pink smoky link coming at you.
Anyways, we got back to my place,had a go and then fell asleep. The next day we ate lunch together and made plans to meet again. After he left, I met some friends and did a little exploring around my neighborhood. Later that night I was preparing to take a shower. I got naked, as I usually do before my shower and began searching my room for a clean towel. "Hmm", I thought to myself, "My vagina feels odd." So I looked between my legs and was horrified at what I saw. "Oh. my. GOD!", I thought, "my vagina is falling out!" My heart dropped to my stomach and I almost passed out. "Oh my god my vagina!!" I almost started crying, I couldn't look again, I was too scared. There I was standing naked on my tatami mats, in a wide leg stance trying not to have an emotional and physical breakdown. Then I took a breath, and thought, "ok this needs more investigation." I'm not a doctor, but surely vaginas can't just fall out. I think there are some tubes that keep it all secure up there. So I decided to touch what I thought was my escaping hoo-ha and was surprised when I couldn't feel anything. My next impulse was to pull. Keep in mind that throughout this whole ordeal I was absolutely horrified, because every woman's treasure is her vajay. I was doubly horrified to discover that what I was pulling out of my vagina was actually a condom, yes. a small pink Japanese condom. The pinkness of the condom had fooled me into believing it was human parts. After I pulled it out, I gasped and gaped at it. "Oh my god" I finally said when reality set in. "oh my GOD, oh MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD" I started pacing around the room. This was in me all day?!? I've got aids, I'm pregnant, I have a yeast infection, and I am a dirty dirty whore. Yes, all of these thoughts went through my head. I immediately grabbed my towel, got in the shower and scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed.
Later that night, I called the Australian boy to tell him my terrible story. His advice "maybe you should go to a doctor and get that checked out." Yeah thanks australian. Maybe YOU should be able to feel whether or not you have a condom on your dick!
In the end, I had my cousin from New York send me an economy size pack of Trojans because never again did I want to have another incident of a small condom slipping off a foreign man's penis into my cave of unknown.
Rule #1 Always wear a condom.
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